The last day

Good morning Sweetheart,

This year is finally coming to a close.  There are only hours left.  I do not want to be ungrateful for the two grandsons who were brought into the world this year.  It would be wrong for me to count the year as a failure if only because of their arrival.  Still, I will unfortunately remember it mostly as the year that I lost you.  If I looked back over every single day certainly there must be some good that happened.  Those brief moments do not seem significant enough to overcome the sadness of your passing.

As I write this,  it is difficult to pen words that adequately describe how I feel  right now.  I am at a loss.  There is nothing for me to compare this to.  I do not want May 9th to define our life but it is not a day that will simply pass into history.  It is one of those times that are life changing and not in a good way.

To say that the past three years have been a struggle would be a gross understatement.  Anyone who has someone close that has fought to keep them alive knows what I mean.  This year has been the culmination of that battle and it did not end the way it should.  

There is nothing I can do to change what has happened.  Oh,  I have tried in my mind and in my heart to deny it.   Refusing to accept what has happened gives a momentary reprieve from reality but is short lived as evidence of the facts forces it’s way into my temporary escape from real life.

At this point I am forced to either accept what has happened or continue to go through a process I have established for myself wherein I renew my denial all over again.  This really is my life now, isn’t it.  I cannot go on pretending it is not.  I am too old for some things and too young for others so I have to decide how I am going to live these next years.

This will be an ongoing endeavor.  I do not know if I have the heart for it but will at least give it a try.  I cannot let the life I had with you amount to nothing in the end.  So as I enter into this new year, which is just a blip on the calender, I will try to make some plan, some effort to give meaning to all that has happened.

I love you honey.  I miss you.  I will try.

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