Good morning Sweetheart,
This year is finally coming to a close. There are only hours left. I do not want to be ungrateful for the two grandsons who were brought into the world this year. It would be wrong for me to count the year as a failure if only because of their arrival. Still, I will unfortunately remember it mostly as the year that I lost you. If I looked back over every single day certainly there must be some good that happened. Those brief moments do not seem significant enough to overcome the sadness of your passing.
As I write this, it is difficult to pen words that adequately describe how I feel right now. I am at a loss. There is nothing for me to compare this to. I do not want May 9th to define our life but it is not a day that will simply pass into history. It is one of those times that are life changing and not in a good way.
To say that the past three years have been a struggle would be a gross understatement. Anyone who has someone close that has fought to keep them alive knows what I mean. This year has been the culmination of that battle and it did not end the way it should.
There is nothing I can do to change what has happened. Oh, I have tried in my mind and in my heart to deny it. Refusing to accept what has happened gives a momentary reprieve from reality but is short lived as evidence of the facts forces it’s way into my temporary escape from real life.
At this point I am forced to either accept what has happened or continue to go through a process I have established for myself wherein I renew my denial all over again. This really is my life now, isn’t it. I cannot go on pretending it is not. I am too old for some things and too young for others so I have to decide how I am going to live these next years.
This will be an ongoing endeavor. I do not know if I have the heart for it but will at least give it a try. I cannot let the life I had with you amount to nothing in the end. So as I enter into this new year, which is just a blip on the calender, I will try to make some plan, some effort to give meaning to all that has happened.
I love you honey. I miss you. I will try.