I’ve tried to think about what I would say today to the point that since my last post I’ve really not been able to say much. I’ve been preoccupied with this day knowing that it was coming and dreading it. Anniversaries are supposed to be a celebration, not a reminder of sadness. Just a few days ago a stranger contacted me. He wanted to talk about the recent loss of his wife. I told him that some pains never heal, they never go away. You simply become accustomed to their presence.
They say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I don’t know that I am any stronger because of what we went through or for losing you. If that is one of the ways people acquire strength then I would rather remain weak. I still look around and strain my eyes in an effort to see you, to make you be here, to catch a glimpse of you. It doesn’t work. I can only create a momentary illusion of you. I won’t see you again for real until I am where you are.
I still don’t know what to say about today. As the minutes tick by I feel my heart reliving the moments leading up to your leaving. I don’t want to remember but I do. I’d like to blot this day out, pretend it never happened. After today, I have decided, I will not be writing about your leaving anymore. I will not be describing my feelings about you being sick and I will not make today a yearly ritual. Not every anniversary should be celebrated or even remembered.
If you could talk with me right now. What would you say. Would you tell me to be happy? Would you tell me how happy you are to be with Jesus? I can only guess, knowing you, what you might say.
I will not forget you nor will I ever stop loving you. To repeat a cliche’, you completed me. You had all the qualities I lacked. It is still not real to me that you are gone and that you were sick. It is like a bad dream. You wake up thinking it was real only to realize it was a nightmare. In the past when either one of us had such a dream, it was easy enough to seek out the other for comfort.
Tonight, the clock will reach that time when you left and I won’t be able to avoid recalling the memory. It haunts me constantly. After tonight though, I have to make some changes. I know I will see you again and will not greet you having been sad. I will not let you see me with tears of sadness but tears of joy. As much as what brings me to you may be sad to those I leave behind, it will be a homecoming for me and a reunion for us. Life is hard enough without living with this constant pain and gloom.
I am going to try my best to be happy. I will do that for you and for me and for the rest who also lost you. I will not write of sadness any more. There has to be a time to overcome the pain and not let it define who you are. It is impossible to be unchanged by losing you. I don’t expect to go on as if you were never here and never went away. But no one will read about it anymore unless they ask.
Thank you Honey for being the greatest example of what a women should be, even in the worst of circumstances. Thank you for being an example to others of what it really means to be feminine, to be a wife and mother and most of all a Christian. I know that God must be pleased with the life you lived here on Earth. He must be so proud of you just as I am. You must have a special place up there with Him. You were and always will have a place in my heart that no one else can have.
I will never stop missing you or loving you. I will move ahead with my life now. I will try to be a good husband even though you are not here. Thank you for so many years with me and for marrying me. You could have had anyone and chose me. Your eye never strayed to another and you never sought to leave even at the worst of times. If I didn’t tell you enough when you were here, know that I was always proud of you. Our kids all love you and feel the same. They miss you and wish you were still here.
I have nothing more I wish to share about this day. The rest will be between me and you and God.